I Hate Myself And I Want To Die

For the Latin medical term, see In utero.


Singles from In Utero


"Heart-Shaped Box"
Released: September 1993
"All Apologies"/"Rape Me"
Released: December 1993


In Utero is the third and final studio album by the American grunge band Nirvana. Released on September 13, 1993 by DGC Records, the band intended the record to be the opposite of the polished production of its previous album Nevermind (1991).

To capture a more abrasive and natural sound, the group hired producer Steve Albini to record In Utero during a two-week period in February 1993. The music was recorded quickly with few studio embllishments, while the song lyrics and album packaging incorporated medical imagery in an effort to convey frontman Kurt Cobain's troubled reflections on his newfound fame and personal life.
Soon after recording was completed controversy erupted as news reports stated that DGC did not like the sessions with Albini and were refusing to release the album as the considered it "uncommercial".

Although Nirvana publicly denied the statements, they also were not fully satisfied with the sound Albini had captured. Albini declined to alter the album further, and ultimately the band hired hired Scott Litt to make minor changes to the album's sound and to remix the singles "Heart-Shaped Box" and "All Apologies".
Upon release, the album debuted at number one on the Billboard 200 chart and received critical acclaim as a drastic departure from Nevermind.

The record has been certified five times platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America, and has sold over four million copies in the United States.


Background
Nirvana broke into the musical mainstream with its major label debut, Nevermind, in 1991. Despite modest sales estimates—the band's record company, DGC Records, forecast that 50,000 copies would be sold—Nevermind became a huge commercial success, selling millions of copies and popularizing both the Seattle grunge movement and alternative rock in general. However, all three members of Nirvana—singer and guitarist Kurt Cobain, bassist Krist Novoselic, and drummer Dave Grohl—later expressed dissatisfaction with the sound of the album, citing its production as too polished. Early in 1992, Cobain told Rolling Stone that he was sure that the group's next album would showcase "both of the extremes" of the group's sound, saying "it'll be more raw with some songs and more candy pop on some of the others.

It won't be as one-dimensional ". Cobain wanted to start work on the album in the summer of 1992. However, the group was unable to since Cobain and his bandmates lived in different cities, and the singer and his wife Courtney Love were expecting their first child. DGC had hoped to have a new album by the band ready for a late 1992 holiday season release; with work proceeding slowly, the label released the compilation album Incesticide in December 1992.
In a Melody Maker interview published in July 1992, Kurt Cobain told the English journalist Everett True he was interested in recording with Jack Endino (who had produced the group's 1989 debut album Bleach) and Steve Albini (former frontman of the noise rock band Big Black and producer for various indie releases).Cobain then planned on choosing the best material from the sessions for inclusion on the group's next album. In October 1992, Nirvana recorded several songs (mainly as instrumentals) that would later appear on In Utero during a demo session with Endino in Seattle. Endino recalled that the band did not ask him to produce its next record, but noted that the band members constantly debated working with Albini. The group recorded another set of demos while on tour in Brazil in January 1993. One of the recordings from this session, the long improvisational track "Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through the Strip", was included as a hidden track on non-US copies of In Utero.
Nirvana ultimately chose Albini to record its third album. Albini had a reputation as a principled and opinionated individual in the American independent music scene.

While there was speculation that the band chose Albini to record the album due to his underground credentials, Cobain told Request magazine in 1993, "For the most part I wanted to work with him because he happened to produce two of my favorite records, which were Surfer Rosa and Pod ." Inspired by those albums, Cobain wanted to utilize Albini's technique of capturing the natural ambiance of a room via the usage and placement of several microphones, something previous Nirvana producers had been averse to trying. Months before the band had even approached Albini about the recording, rumors circulated that he was slated to record the album. Albini sent a disclaimer to the British music press refuting the allegations, only to get a call from Nirvana's management a few days later about the project. Although Albini considered Nirvana to be "R.E.M.

with a fuzzbox" and "an unremarkable version of the Seattle sound", he told Nirvana biographer Michael Azerrad he accepted because he felt sorry for the band members, whom he perceived to be "the same sort of people as all the small-fry bands I deal with", at the mercy of its record company. Prior to start of recording sessions, the band sent Albini a tape of the demos it had made in Brazil. In return, Albini sent Cobain a copy of the PJ Harvey album Rid of Me to give him an idea of what the studio where they would record at sounded like.
Recording
In February 1993, Nirvana traveled to Pachyderm Studio in Cannon Falls, Minnesota, to record the album. Albini did not meet the band members until the first day of recording, though he had spoken to them beforehand about the type of album they wanted to make.

For most of the two-week sessions, the only people present were the band members, Albini, and technician Bob Weston. During the sessions, Albini instituted a strict policy of ignoring everyone except for the band members in order to prevent the group's managers and label from interfering, explaining that everyone associated with the group aside from the musicians themselves were "the biggest pieces of shit I ever met".
The album sessions started slowly at first; the band arrived at Pachyderm Studio without its equipment, and spent much of the first three days waiting for it to arrive by mail. The band recorded the tracks live and kept virtually everything it captured on tape.

.] He can make concrete steps to improve things that he doesn't think are acceptable." Cobain reportedly recorded all his vocal tracks in six hours. The band completed recording in six days; Cobain had originally anticipated disagreements with Albini, whom the singer heard "was supposedly this sexist jerk", but called the process "the easiest recording we've ever done, hands down".
The mixing process for the album was completed over the course of five days. This rate was quick by Nirvana' standards, but not for Albini, who was used to mixing entire albums in a day or two. The sessions were completed on February 26. Studio fees totaled US$24,000, while Albini took a flat fee of $100,000 for his services. Despite Gold Mountain's suggestions, Albini refused to take percentage points on record sales, even though he stood to earn approximately $500,000 in royalties. While a common practice among producers in the music industry, Albini refused to take percentage points because he considered it to be immoral and "an insult to the artist".
Music and lyrics


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Albini sought to produce a record that sounded nothing like Nevermind. He felt the sound of Nevermind was "sort of a standard hack recording that has been turned into a very, very controlled, compressed radio-friendly mix [..] That is not, in my opinion, very flattering to a rock band." Instead, the intention was to capture a more natural and visceral sound. Albini refused to double-track Cobain's vocals and instead recorded him singing alone in a resonant room. The producer noted the intensity of the singer's vocals on some tracks; he said, "There's a really dry, really loud voice at the end of 'Milk It' [. Albini explained, "If you take a good drummer and put him in front of a drum kit that sounds good acoustically and just record it, you've done your job."
Azerrad asserted in his 1993 biography Come as You Are: The Story of Nirvana that the music of In Utero showcased divergent sensibilities of abrasiveness and accessibility that reflected the upheavals Cobain experienced prior to the album's completion.

This is war." Cobain believed, however, that In Utero was not "any harsher or any more emotional" than any of Nirvana's previous records. Novoselic concurred with Azerrad's comments that the album's music leaned more towards the band's "arty, aggressive side"; the bassist said, "There's always been songs like 'About a Girl' and there's always been songs like 'Paper Cuts' [. .] Nevermind came out kind of 'About a Girl'-y and this came out more 'Paper Cuts'". Cobain cited the track "Milk It" as an example of the more experimental and aggressive direction the band's music had been moving in in the months prior to the sessions at Pachyderm Studio. Novoselic viewed the album's singles "Heart-Shaped Box" and "All Apologies" as "gateways" to the more abrasive sound of the rest of the album, telling journalist Jim DeRogatis that once listeners played the record they would discover "this aggressive wild sound, a true alternative record".
Several of the songs on In Utero had been written years prior, with some dating back to 1990. With tracks like "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle", Cobain favored long song titles in reaction to contemporary alternative rock bands that utilized single-word titles. Cobain continued to work on the lyrics while recording at Pachyderm Studio. Nonetheless, Cobain told Spin in 1993 that in contrast to Bleach and Nevermind, the lyrics were "more focused, they're almost built on themes." Michael Azerrad asserted that the lyrics were less impressionistic and more straightforward than in previous Nirvana songs.

Azerrad also noted that "irtually every song contains some image of sickness and disease". In some songs, Cobain referenced books he had read. "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" was inspired by Shadowland, a 1978 biography of actress Frances Farmer, with whom Cobain was fascinated with since reading the book in high school. The song "Scentless Apprentice" was written about Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, a historical horror novel about a perfumer's apprentice born with no body odor of his own but with a highly developed sense of smell, and who attempts to create the "ultimate perfume" by killing virgin women and taking their scent.
Cobain stated in a 1993 interview with The Observer that "for the most part 's very impersonal". However, Azerrad argued that much of the album contains personal themes, noting that Grohl believed the same thing.

Grohl stated, "A lot of what he has to say is related to a lot of the shit he's gone through. While Cobain said the song was written long before his troubles with drug addiction became public, he agreed that the song could be viewed in that light. "Serve the Servants" contains comments about Cobain's life, both as a child and as an adult.

The opening lines "Teenage angst has paid off well/Now I'm bored and old" were a reference to Cobain's state of mind in the wake of Nirvana's success. Cobain dismissed the media attention given to the affect his parents' divorce had on his life with the line "That legendary divorce is such a bore" from the chorus, and directly addressed his father with the lines "I tried hard to have a father/But instead I had a dad/I just want you to know that I don't hate you anymore/There is nothing I could say that I haven't thought before". The collage features models of fetuses and body parts arranged on a bed of flowers.

Cobain originally wanted to title the album I Hate Myself And Want to Die.The phrase had originated in mid-1992 as Cobain's response whenever the question "How are you?" was asked of him, was intended as humorous. The album title was changed after Novoselic convinced Cobain that it could potentially result in a lawsuit.

The collage had been set up on the floor of Cobain's living room and was photographed by Charles Peterson after an unexpected call from Cobain. The album's track listing and re-illustrated symbols from Barbara G. When asked about the feedback, Cobain told Michael Azerrad, "The grown-ups don't like it." He described how he learned that his songwriting was "not up to par", the sound was "unlistenable" and that there was uncertainty that mainstream radio would welcome the sound of Albini's production. There were few people at Geffen or Gold Mountain that wanted the band to record with Albini to begin with, and Cobain felt he was receiving an unstated message to scrap the sessions and start all over again.

Cobain was upset and said to Azerrad, "I should just rerecord this record and do the same thing we did last year because we sold out last year—there's no reason to try and redeem ourselves as artists at this point. According to Cobain, "Of course, they want another Nevermind, but I'd rather die than do that.

I got no emotion from it, I was just numb." The group concluded that the bass and lyrics were inaudible and approached Albini to remix the album. The band decided against working with Wallace and chose to remix and augment the songs "Heart-Shaped Box" and "All Apologies" with Litt at Seattle's Bad Animals Studio in May 1993. One song, "I Hate Myself and Want to Die", was omitted from the final listing as Cobain felt there were too many "noise" songs on the album. The rest of the album was left unaltered aside from a remastering which sharpened the bass guitar sound and increased the volume of the vocals by approximately three decibels. Albini was critical of the album's final mix; he said, "The end result, the record in the stores doesn't sound all that much like the record that was made.

The label aimed its promotion at alternative markets and press, and released the album on vinyl record as part of this strategy. In contrast to the previous album, the label did not release any of In Utero's singles commercially in the United States. Promo copies of the album's first single, "Heart-Shaped Box", were sent to American college, modern rock, and album-oriented rock radio stations in early September, but the label did not target Top 40 radio. Despite the label's promotion, the band was convinced that In Utero would not be as successful as Nevermind. Cobain told Jim DeRogatis, "We're certain that we won't sell a quarter as much, and we're totally comfortable with that because we like this record so much."
In Utero was released on September 13, 1993 in the United Kingdom, and on September 14 in the United States. Initially, the album was only available domestically in a limited pressing of 25,000 vinyl copies; a full domestic release on compact disc followed on September 21. In Utero debuted at number one on the Billboard 200 album chart, selling 180,000 copies in its first week of release. Meanwhile, retail chain stores Wal-Mart and Kmart refused to sell the album.DGC issued a new version of the album with reworked packaging to the stores in March 1994. Time's Christopher John Farley stated in his review of the album, "Despite the fears of some alternative-music fans, Nirvana hasn't gone mainstream, though this potent new album may once again force the mainstream to go Nirvana." Rolling Stone reviewer David Fricke wrote, "In Utero is a lot of things – brilliant, corrosive, enraged and thoughtful, most of them all at once.

But more than anything, it's a triumph of the will." Entertainment Weekly reviewer David Browne (who gave the album a rating of B+) commented "Kurt Cobain hates it all", and noted that the sentiment pervades the record. It ranked first and second in the album categories of the Rolling Stone and Village Voice Pazz & Jop year-end critics' polls, respectively. Additionally, The New York Times included it on its list of the top ten albums of the year. The album was nominated for Best Alternative Music Album at the 1994 Grammy Awards.
That October, Nirvana embarked on its first American tour in two years to promote the album. A second single, a split release featuring "All Apologies" and "Rape Me", was issued in December in the United Kingdom.

The band began a six-week European leg of the tour in February 1994, but it was cancelled after Cobain suffered a drug overdose in Rome on March 6. Cobain agreed to enter drug rehabilitation, but the singer went missing soon afterwards, and on April 8 he was found dead in his Seattle home after committing suicide with a shotgun. The intended third single from In Utero, "Pennyroyal Tea", was cancelled in the wake of Cobain's death and the subsequent dissolution of Nirvana; limited promotional copies were released in Britain. Three days after Cobain's body was discovered, In Utero moved back up the Billboard charts, from number 72 to number 27. In Utero has since been certified five times platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America for shipments of over five million units, and has sold a total of four million copies in the United States, according to Nielsen SoundScan.
Track listing
All songs written by Kurt Cobain except where noted.
"Serve the Servants" – 3:36
"Scentless Apprentice" (Cobain, Grohl, Novoselic) – 3:48
"Heart-Shaped Box" – 4:41
"Rape Me" – 2:50
"Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" – 4:09
"Dumb" – 2:32
"Very Ape" – 1:56
"Milk It" – 3:55
"Pennyroyal Tea" – 3:37
"Radio Friendly Unit Shifter" – 4:51
"tourette's" – 1:35
"All Apologies" – 3:51
"Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through the Strip" (Cobain, Grohl, Novoselic) is a bonus track included at the end of non-US pressings of the album.
Personnel
Kurt Cobain – guitar, vocals, art direction, design, photography
Krist Novoselic – bass
Dave Grohl – drums, backing vocals
Kera Schaley – cello on "All Apologies" and "Dumb"
Steve Albini – producer, engineer
Adam Kasper – second engineer
Bob Weston – technician
Scott Litt – mixing
Bob Ludwig – audio mastering
Robert Fisher – art direction, design, photography
Karen Mason – photography
Charles Peterson – photography
Michael Lavine – photography
Neil Wallace – photography
Alex Grey – illustrations

Chart positions
Album

Singles

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